Siblings

My sister's 21st birthday is this weekend & I want MORE THAN ANYTHING to be there celebrating along side her. This is the hardest (and only) thing I miss about my hometown. My sister is the greatest girlfriend that I will ever have. I treasure her and our friendship beyond words. She is the person I have to tell what great Pintrest thing I made even though it completely sucks compared to hers, she gets why I am so emotional, & she loves me even though I may be a little too honest sometimes. My sister is a profound mother & soon to be wife. I admire many things about her: She is quiet when she should be, she takes other people's feelings into consideration at all times, she is super loyal, she can always see the good in that one person most people have a hard time loving & she is SO DARN CRAFTY. That woman can embroider a pillow for crying out loud. Her artistic mind is truly something to be envied.

I just love my sisters. BOTH of them are so great. My youngest sister will be 11 this summer. Yes, I am 24 and have an 11 year old sister. Stuff happens. But HOLY MOLY this kid was 2 years old the other day. Although we have had more of a mother-daughter relationship her whole life, she is a stellar sister, and better yet she is an outstanding aunt to my daughter. She is only 7 years older than my daughter & they are besties.

My point is, is that siblings are such a GREAT life-long gift. Without them, who would you get into trouble with, play with, fight with, laugh with, talk about your parents with, discover with, or raise your own children with? God knows we need them and God knows we will love them no matter what. Which is why I want to give my daughter a sibling more than anything on this earth. I want her to know what a joy it is to be the big sister.

This January, I thought, would FINALLY be that time. We found out we were pregnant January 14. Words cannot express how overwhelmed with God's love I was. I was finally going to be able to give my daughter the gift of a lifetime, a sibling. Our six week appointment finally arrived & we were super excited to hear our baby's heartbeat for the first time. As we were all huddled around the sonogram screen I knew instantly something was wrong. There was no sound, no heartbeat. I felt ill. I thought I was going to throw up, cry, and die all at the same time. Our doctor told us that there was a 5% chance of a healthy pregnancy and that we could come back next week just in case it was just too early to hear the heartbeat. I was beyond distraught, beyond sad, and beyond depressed. But I still had hope that maybe, just maybe, that God had a miracle planned. I prayed & prayed & prayed because God was the only thing keeping me afloat. I was encouraged by amazing women and men to keep seeking The Lord. That next week, which seemed like years, came and my appointment was cancelled because of the snow storm. I rescheduled for the next week, it was cancelled again because of bad weather. I thought "WHAT IS HAPPENING?! Why do I have to deal with this? This is not supposed to happen to me. Bad things are not supposed to happen to me, they happen to other people, not me, right?" Wrong. We eventually found out that we miscarried our six week old baby.

I wish I were dreaming. I thought maybe I would wake up from this horrible dream I was having. My dream was reality. So real that it stung every other minute of every day. It still stings, but not as often. Only because God was holding my hand, IS holding my hand. This has to be part of His plan for my life. This has to give Him glory. This has to bring me closer to Him. I have to learn something from this. Because that is the only reason we are here on this earth. For those four things. That is the only explanation.


You know when something is happening in your life and almost everything you hear reminds you of your situation? Well, for the next month, at church, the pastor's messages were all in relation to what I was going through, loss and weakness. My women's Ruth Bible study is based on loss, love, and how to deal with grief. I am in a book study as well and we are reading about how to discern God's voice and His will for your life, which helped a ton. Women were telling me their stories and how they had miscarried once too. Either before of after having their healthy children. Oddly, this gave me hope and was actually comforting to know that I wasn't alone. This didn't just happen to me. God was surrounding me with people and situations that were encouraging, comforting, and eye opening. God can be glorified in such a seemingly horrible situation. I can share my story and maybe help another woman or women who have suffered the same thing. I can share that I found comfort in a few verses and that God helped me through it. Because He did. He helped me get out of bed in the morning, attend my Bible studies, talk to people and admit that I am weak. But when I am weak, He is strong. 

2 Corinthians 12:9-10 "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me. For the sake of Christ, then, I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities. For when I am weak, then I am strong."

I wasn't going to share my story. I wasn't going to let people know that I am weak. If you know me at all you will know that it is very hard for me to admit when I am wrong, weak, or sad. I don't cry and I don't cry in front of other people. I have felt the urge to share what has happened for a few days now and am finally taking the plunge so that I can officially keep walking forward. Miscarriage hurts mentally, emotionally and physically. I am hurt. If I would have turned away from Him during all of this I know for a fact I would not be okay today. I can say with confidence that today, I am okay.  Because I have faith that He will give our daughter the sibling(s) she deserves. I have faith in Him and He knows the desires of my heart.

James 1:12 Blessed is the man who remains steadfast under trial, for when he has stood the test he will receive the crown of life, which God has promised to those who love him.

I will never, ever forget him or her, this is something I will hold onto forever. I am sad that I'll never get to hold their little hand or kiss their chunky little cheeks, I'll never rock them or teach them how to walk, I'll never get to look at them and tell them I love them. But I do know who will be doing those things for them, Jesus.

Touchy Feely

First Things First

My sister, soon to be brother in law, and nephew came to town to good 'ol Atlanta at the end of January. Rightfully so, I was so darn excited I almost peed my pants. I love them. So much. We went to fun lunches, laughed, played, kissed, & hugged. The not so fun part was that we all got trapped in the oh so cute Snowpocalypse of Georgia 2014. Holy crap was this annoying. Who knew 2 inches of snow could cause such chaos and havoc. People were literally abandoning their cars, peeing on the side of the road, and eating at that last gas station that was open in town because everything, and I mean everything, was closed. Even McDonald's. We were stuck for SEVEN hours. That trip downtown to IKEA was still totally worth it. Right Cailin? ;) I am counting down the days until I get to see them again FOR THEIR WEDDING in May. My wittle sissy is getting married! Shes getting married to a man that we love & we are veddy excited that he will be a part of our dysfunctional family hehe.

Studying By Choice

I have also started an AWESOME Bible study at our church about the book of Ruth. I didn't know it two months ago, but God led me to this study at the most perfect time in my life. Sometimes I am just in awe of how great He really is. Okay, I am all the time. I have gotten in the habit of writing down verses that really jump out at me and tug at my heart strings. A recent one is from Galatians 6:9: "Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up." -Emphasis from Kelly Minter. I look at it as though life is like a barley harvest. We have to sow before we reap. All of your things may seem really REALLY bad right now, but we have got to put in the hard work and prayer before we can reap the benefits God has waiting for us. Personally, I am so looking forward to reaping what God has waiting for our family. He is forever faithful.

I Have A Job

I have started watching an almost one year old. Brilynn had a hard time getting used to him aka sharing with him, but now she loves him. Maybe because some of my attention is now off of her to give her time to do something sneaky... I love that I can work at home. Which brings me to my next thought...

Can I just say how thankful I am that I can be a stay at home mom?

I am beyond thankful that I get to teach my daughter all day long. I actually know what she is doing, who she is with, what shes eating, how shes feeling, what she likes to do, how smart she is, who her friends are, teach her manners, teach her about God, give her hugs and kisses, etc. The list goes on and on and on. I have been on both sides of the spectrum. I had my first "big girl job" after college and my daughter went to an all day daycare. It was a great day care and they truly care about the children, but its not anything like her mommy or daddy. It broke my heart that some stranger knew more about my daughter's day than I did and that she would cry when she would get dropped off daily. Even during the day while I was at work I thought about her and wondered what she was doing or feeling and I was so sad that I didn't know the answer. I commuted one hour each way to work, so I had to leave before she even got out of bed. By the time I got back into town it was 6PM. We got home, she ate, and went to bed. Then we did it all over again. Day after day. Thankfully my hubby worked in town and could be there if she needed him and at least she got to see him in the mornings and after day care. Eventually I started to dislike my job, the job I had ALWAYS wanted, because I couldn't see my daughter or spend any time with my husband. These two things are more important than any job, I didn't realize what I was giving up by being a working mom. I didn't want to quit, because: 1. I am not a quitter & 2. because we had a mortgage to pay for, on top of a rental at the time. After what seemed like an eternity of driving back and forth, my husband got a promotion in Atlanta and we were moving within a month. This was a huge sigh of relief on behalf of our family & I could stay home with our daughter. Now trust me when I say this, we DO NOT have bookoos of money and cash laying around. THE SECRET to being a stay at home mom is that we have a budget, we coupon, and we don't buy meaningless crap. Most people do not know what this means but with a lot of prayer and Dave Ramsey, we make it work. This is a very condensed version of the story but without God and his perfect plan, we would not be where we are.

I am not discrediting moms who work, nor am I saying they are bad moms. Some moms are called to work and it is Gods plan for them, but it is not God's plan for me and He has given me so much darn peace about it. It's amazing that even as little as three years ago if you would have asked me if I would rather stay home with my kids or work, I would have said "WORK!" so loud and so fast it would have knocked you off your chair. The Holy Spirit convicted me and my feelings. He called me to be a mother and that is what I am bound and determined to do through Him.

Yep, there are those of you who are saying "OMG SHES CRAZY my children are nuts! I wouldn't be able to do that all day!" I do go crazy. I go crazy a lot. There are some days where I just miss talking to an adult. I get sick of saying "No" or "please stop breaking that" or "WHY ARE YOU DOING THAT?!" or threatening my child so that she will just sit down for five seconds without destroying something. At the end of the day when my daughter is finally asleep I sit down for a minute and remember all of the kisses, laughs, hilarity, and times where she surprises me with her smart, smart brain and I smile :) It's worth it. Because she will be out of the house some day and won't have time to finger paint with her mom anymore. She will be out with her friends, playing sports, going to school, dating boys and just living life based on what my husband and I taught her (hopefully). She won't be staying at home with her stay at home mom. I want to treasure and extend every single moment while she is still willing to kiss me in public.

I still tell my mother in law that shes crazy for home schooling her children, but when God has a plan for you and you never thought you would do X, Y, or Z, He will give you the tools to do His will.

I don't want to leave out all the single moms out there. You all are rock-stars. Single moms have to work to support their families. They have to be the mom and the dad. If any of you know a single mom & you get to be a stay at home mommy, HELP THEM OUT. Watch their kiddos for the afternoon so she can go to the store by herself. Bring her a meal so she doesn't have to think about dinner after work. Do something. We are all called to love one another & these are simple things that can change lives!

 Personal Thoughts

Looking back on my life thus far, the concept of God's plan couldn't be more true. Every single struggle, laugh, and celebration has been because that is what God wanted me to do, feel, and get through. He doesn't make mistakes. It has been almost exactly one year since I have been baptized as a Christian. This past year has been the most enriching & spiritual year of my entire life. I know who I am and am comfortable with who Brittany is inside and out. I am blessed to have peace, comfort & joy. I feel like I am finally me. I feel free.