Siblings

My sister's 21st birthday is this weekend & I want MORE THAN ANYTHING to be there celebrating along side her. This is the hardest (and only) thing I miss about my hometown. My sister is the greatest girlfriend that I will ever have. I treasure her and our friendship beyond words. She is the person I have to tell what great Pintrest thing I made even though it completely sucks compared to hers, she gets why I am so emotional, & she loves me even though I may be a little too honest sometimes. My sister is a profound mother & soon to be wife. I admire many things about her: She is quiet when she should be, she takes other people's feelings into consideration at all times, she is super loyal, she can always see the good in that one person most people have a hard time loving & she is SO DARN CRAFTY. That woman can embroider a pillow for crying out loud. Her artistic mind is truly something to be envied.

I just love my sisters. BOTH of them are so great. My youngest sister will be 11 this summer. Yes, I am 24 and have an 11 year old sister. Stuff happens. But HOLY MOLY this kid was 2 years old the other day. Although we have had more of a mother-daughter relationship her whole life, she is a stellar sister, and better yet she is an outstanding aunt to my daughter. She is only 7 years older than my daughter & they are besties.

My point is, is that siblings are such a GREAT life-long gift. Without them, who would you get into trouble with, play with, fight with, laugh with, talk about your parents with, discover with, or raise your own children with? God knows we need them and God knows we will love them no matter what. Which is why I want to give my daughter a sibling more than anything on this earth. I want her to know what a joy it is to be the big sister.

This January, I thought, would FINALLY be that time. We found out we were pregnant January 14. Words cannot express how overwhelmed with God's love I was. I was finally going to be able to give my daughter the gift of a lifetime, a sibling. Our six week appointment finally arrived & we were super excited to hear our baby's heartbeat for the first time. As we were all huddled around the sonogram screen I knew instantly something was wrong. There was no sound, no heartbeat. I felt ill. I thought I was going to throw up, cry, and die all at the same time. Our doctor told us that there was a 5% chance of a healthy pregnancy and that we could come back next week just in case it was just too early to hear the heartbeat. I was beyond distraught, beyond sad, and beyond depressed. But I still had hope that maybe, just maybe, that God had a miracle planned. I prayed & prayed & prayed because God was the only thing keeping me afloat. I was encouraged by amazing women and men to keep seeking The Lord. That next week, which seemed like years, came and my appointment was cancelled because of the snow storm. I rescheduled for the next week, it was cancelled again because of bad weather. I thought "WHAT IS HAPPENING?! Why do I have to deal with this? This is not supposed to happen to me. Bad things are not supposed to happen to me, they happen to other people, not me, right?" Wrong. We eventually found out that we miscarried our six week old baby.

I wish I were dreaming. I thought maybe I would wake up from this horrible dream I was having. My dream was reality. So real that it stung every other minute of every day. It still stings, but not as often. Only because God was holding my hand, IS holding my hand. This has to be part of His plan for my life. This has to give Him glory. This has to bring me closer to Him. I have to learn something from this. Because that is the only reason we are here on this earth. For those four things. That is the only explanation.


You know when something is happening in your life and almost everything you hear reminds you of your situation? Well, for the next month, at church, the pastor's messages were all in relation to what I was going through, loss and weakness. My women's Ruth Bible study is based on loss, love, and how to deal with grief. I am in a book study as well and we are reading about how to discern God's voice and His will for your life, which helped a ton. Women were telling me their stories and how they had miscarried once too. Either before of after having their healthy children. Oddly, this gave me hope and was actually comforting to know that I wasn't alone. This didn't just happen to me. God was surrounding me with people and situations that were encouraging, comforting, and eye opening. God can be glorified in such a seemingly horrible situation. I can share my story and maybe help another woman or women who have suffered the same thing. I can share that I found comfort in a few verses and that God helped me through it. Because He did. He helped me get out of bed in the morning, attend my Bible studies, talk to people and admit that I am weak. But when I am weak, He is strong. 

2 Corinthians 12:9-10 "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me. For the sake of Christ, then, I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities. For when I am weak, then I am strong."

I wasn't going to share my story. I wasn't going to let people know that I am weak. If you know me at all you will know that it is very hard for me to admit when I am wrong, weak, or sad. I don't cry and I don't cry in front of other people. I have felt the urge to share what has happened for a few days now and am finally taking the plunge so that I can officially keep walking forward. Miscarriage hurts mentally, emotionally and physically. I am hurt. If I would have turned away from Him during all of this I know for a fact I would not be okay today. I can say with confidence that today, I am okay.  Because I have faith that He will give our daughter the sibling(s) she deserves. I have faith in Him and He knows the desires of my heart.

James 1:12 Blessed is the man who remains steadfast under trial, for when he has stood the test he will receive the crown of life, which God has promised to those who love him.

I will never, ever forget him or her, this is something I will hold onto forever. I am sad that I'll never get to hold their little hand or kiss their chunky little cheeks, I'll never rock them or teach them how to walk, I'll never get to look at them and tell them I love them. But I do know who will be doing those things for them, Jesus.